Season 1 Episode 15: My Funky Valentine

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY OH, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

AW OHH! MWAH SO, FRATELLI'S TONIGHT? HELLO, CANNOLI CANOE Jay: I LIKE IT NICE FIT

SWANKY MATERIAL [ CHUCKLES ] JAY, YOU LOOK SO STRONG AND SEXY, LIKE AN OLYMPIC WRESTLER BUT WITH MONEY [ BOTH LAUGH ] YOUR TURN OKAY [ CHUCKLES ] IT'S MY FAVORITE DAY IN AMERICA! HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, GORGEOUS

[ GASPS ] THEY'RE HUGE! [ CHUCKLES ] OH, MY GOD! YEAH, THOSE WILL WORK BEAUTIFUL YOU CAN WEAR THEM TONIGHT I HAVE A SURPRISE [ GASPS ] DON'T TELL ME, YOU'RE FINALLY TAKING ME SALSA DANCING! [ GASPS ] AND WHO'S DAVID BRENNER? ONLY A VEGAS LEGEND

IS HE A MAGICIAN? 'CAUSE I LOVE MAGICIANS HE'S A COMEDIAN A COMEDIAN IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING SALSA DANCING, NOT TO WATCH A COMEDIAN

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE HIM TRUST ME THE GUY'S HILARIOUS! OKAY TELL ME ONE OF HIS JOKES WELL, HE DOESN'T DO JOKES

DOES HE HAVE A MALLET? NO SO, THEN, HOW DOES HE GET HIT IN THE HEAD? HE DOESN'T GET "HIT IN THE HEAD" HE — HE MAKES OBSERVATIONS HE TELLS THE TRUTH IN A FUNNY WAY COME ON, HE'S BEEN ON "JOHNNY CARSON" A HUNDRED TIMES

WHO THE HELL IS JOHNNY CARSON? OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE GLORIA AND I ARE FROM DIFFERENT GENERATIONS, AND I WON'T LIE — IT ISN'T ALWAYS EASY I MEAN, LAST WEEK SHE THOUGHT SIMON AND GARFUNKEL WERE MY LAWYERS NO, I DIDN'T It was a joke

I DON'T GET IT MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NO MALLET YEAH, I WISH I HAD A MALLET RIGHT NOW Mitchell: JUST STAY IN NORTHERN CAL– DID YOU INDICATE TO HER [ DOOR OPENS ] HOW LONG THAT YOU WERE GONNA TAKE? HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DADDY" HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, LILY [ CLEARS THROAT ] NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT? OH, THAT IS CUTE "CUTE"? WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME ON THIS

[ CHUCKLES ] I DON'T SEE HOW YOU JUST CUT UP ONE OF YOUR BOAS ACTUALLY, NO, WE REPURPOSED IT IT WAS SORT OF A "BOB MACKIE MEETS MARTHA STEWART" PROJECT OKAY, WELL, WE JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A NICE SURPRISE

WELL, IT'S HARDLY A SURPRISE I MEAN, YOU DRESS HER UP FOR EVERY HOLIDAY I WAS GIVING HER A BATH LAST NIGHT, AND I STILL SAW TRACES OF MARTIN LUTHER KING BEHIND HER EAR ALL RIGHT, NOT IN THE SPIRIT WE GET IT

NO, I'M S– I'M SORRY NO, IT'S ADORABLE I JUST — I'M REALLY NERVOUS ABOUT MY CLOSING ARGUMENT OH, YOU'VE BEEN REHEARSING FOR WEEKS YOU'RE GONNA BE GREAT

LET'S HOPE SO HEY, AND I WAS WONDERING — SINCE YOU'RE GONNA BE IN COURT ALL DAY YEAH, YOU CAN OPEN THE CHOCOLATES

Score! [ DOORBELL RINGS ] HI, DYLAN HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MRS DUNPHY OH! DYLAN, THANK YOU THAT IS SO SWEET

YOU KNOW, ALL WOMEN SHOULD LOOK AS TASTY AS YOU WHEN THEY'RE OLD HUH CONFLICTED HEY, BABY! HEY TAKE THIS SWEET GIFT AS A TOKEN OF MY AFFECTION, MY UNENDING LOVE AND ADMIRATION

OH, MY GOD! YAY, IT'S BIG! [ CHUCKLES ] [ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD, I LOVE IT! IT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN! SERIOUSLY, YOU'VE GOTTA PUT A BLACK LIGHT ON IT IT'LL BLOW YOUR MIND WOW DYLAN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD PAINT OH, I DIDN'T

I JUST TOOK A PHOTO, AND I PUT IT THROUGH THIS PROGRAM THAT TURNS IT INTO A PAINTING OH! OH SO YOU TWO A-ACTUALLY DID THAT UH-HUH YEAH OKAY LET'S GO PUT THIS OVER MY BED

NO NO, NO YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN THE BEDROOM AT ALL I'LL TAKE IT Phil: DID HE TRUMP ME? D-MONEY YOU TELL ME HE MADE A PAINTING OUT OF A PHOTOGRAPH ONE TIME

I HAVE HANDPICKED A CARD, DRAWN A HEART IN THE STEAM ON THE MEDICINE CABINET, AND TAKEN CLAIRE TO FRATELLI'S, A FAMILY-STYLE ITALIAN RESTAURANT, FOR 17 YEARS IN A ROW YEAH, HE GOT ME HE GOT ME BYE, HONEY SEE YOU LATER

SEE YOU LATER PHIL, WHAT IS THAT? YOU KNOW, WE DON'T HAVE TO GO TO FRATELLI'S TONIGHT OKAY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND? WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A NIGHT AT A HOTEL I WOULD BUT WOULD YOU AND THE KIDS BE OKAY? I MEANT TOGETHER

I KNOW OH I KNOW I KNOW I GOT IT

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? I THINK YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY SLEEP TONIGHT SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE A NAP AT WORK TODAY

I ALWAYS DO PHIL? SWEETIE AS LONG AS WE'RE TALKING ABOUT BEING A LITTLE BIT NAUGHTY, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO A LITTLE role playing? ROLE PLAYING? MM-HMM I'M IN

I'LL SET UP SLEEPOVERS FOR THE KIDS AND I'LL SWING BY AFTER WORK TO PICK YOU UP NO, NO WHY DON'T YOU MEET ME IN THE HOTEL BAR AND SEE IF YOU CAN PICK ME UP THERE? CAREFUL, LADY, YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP A SEXY SLEEPING GIANT [ British accent ] PERHAPS I'LL BE REGINALD APPLEBY

AN ENGLISH GENTLEMAN IN TOWN FOR A POLO MATCH PHIL [ Asian accent ] OR HONORABLE BUSINESSMAN FROM HONG KONG — YOU'RE KINDA WRECKING IT OH IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL, CLAIRE

I JUST TRAIN TIGERS FOR A LIVING [ INHALES SHARPLY ] TOO — NO? NO [ DOOR OPENS ] ARE THESE ROSE PETALS? YES, TO COMMEMORATE OUR LOVE [ SIGHS ] I HAD TO SETTLE WELL, YOUR MOM MIGHT THINK SO, BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I'M A CATCH

NO, THE CASE I-I WAS THIS CLOSE TO NAILING IT, AND THEN MY CLIENT GETS SCARED AND SETTLES I'M SORRY MAYBE YOU'D LIKE A CHOCOLATE NOTICE THAT I HAVE NOT EATEN ANY OF THE CHOCOLATES

THERE WERE TWO LEVELS YOU KNOW IT, AND I KNOW IT [ SIGHS ] THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING I HAD ONE OF THE GREATEST CLOSING ARGUMENTS OF ALL TIME — ALL ABOUT THE BIG GOVERNMENT ROLLING OVER THE LITTLE GUY AND I EVEN HAD THIS GREAT MOMENT AT THE END WHERE I WOULD POINT TO THE STATE SEAL AND I'D SAY, "SHAME!" OH, THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN THE SHOWER

I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED [ DOORBELL RINGS ] UM, THAT'S MANNY I SAID WE WOULD WATCH HIM TONIGHT I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE GONNA BE GOING THROUGH ALL THIS

NO, IT'S FINE IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE HIM AROUND [ CHUCKLES ] HE ALWAYS MAKES ME LAUGH HI, MANNY! THE UNIVERSE IS COLD AND LOVELESS [ GROANS ] UH-OH

BAD VALENTINE'S DAY? [ SIGHS ] I WENT FOR THE GOLD — FIONA GUNDERSON I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL INTO A POEM, LEFT IT ON HER DESK I EVEN BURNED THE EDGES TO MAKE IT LOOK FANCY AND SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT? OH, SHE LOVED IT BUT THIS KID DURKAS TOLD HER HE WROTE IT

WELL, MANNY, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL HER THE TRUTH? SHE WAS ALREADY GONE AND SHE'S ON A DATE WITH HIM AT MY FAVORITE RESTAURANT, GREAT SHAKES HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS? I INVITED HER IN THE POEM RIGHT AFTER THE LINE OF, "MY LOVE IS DEEPER THAN THE GREAT LAKES" OKAY, WELL, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE

OH, HERE WE GO NO, IT'S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO WE'RE GONNA SHOOT OVER TO GREAT SHAKES, WE'RE GONNA GET A TABLE, MANNY CAN RECLAIM THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE YOU AND I CAN GET A COUPLE MUDSLIDES

I DON'T KNOW DURKAS IS GONNA BE THERE I'VE SEEN THE KID DO A PULL-UP HEY, MANNY, IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY IT'S NOT THE DAY YOU RUN AWAY FROM LOVE

IT'S THE DAY YOU TRACK IT DOWN, TIE IT UP, AND TAKE IT HOME NOW, IF WE CAN PULL THIS OFF, YOU AND YOUR LITTLE LADY FRIEND WILL BE BELLY UP TO AN ICE-CREAM COUNTER, HAVING A MILKSHAKE WITH TWO STRAWS WHAT DO YOU SAY? I LIKE IT David Brenner: THANK YOU THANK YOU

SCIENTISTS, THEY DON'T KNOW WHY THIS IS TRUE, BUT IT'S TRUE WOMEN WITH BIG REAR ENDS LIVE LONGER [ LAUGHTER ] MEN WHO TELL THEM THAT, DON'T [ BOTH LAUGH ] DID YOU READ ABOUT THIS MAN — THE 91-YEAR-OLD BANK ROBBER IN TEXAS? HE GOES INTO A BANK, YOU KNOW "WHAT THE HELL DID I WANT?" [ LAUGHTER ] THEY HAD OVER 4,000 PHOTOS OF HIM ESCAPING FROM THE BANK

[ LAUGHTER ] SEE? HE'S FUNNY, HUH? [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ] [ Normal voice ] MIND IF I JOIN YOU? I'M CLIVE CLIVE BIXBY YES, I CAN SEE THAT I'M JULIANA SO, CLIVE, ARE YOU IN TOWN FOR A CONVENTION, OR DO YOU

JUST FORGET YOUR NAME A LOT? PRETTY KITTY HAS NAILS I LIKE THAT [ INHALES SHARPLY ] I'M IN TOWN FOR A TRADE SHOW

I DESIGN HIGH-END ELECTROACOUSTIC TRANSDUCERS WOW, THAT IS VERY SPECIFIC

IT'S A FANCY OF WAY OF SAYING I GET THINGS TO MAKE NOISE HMM Two, please SO, WHAT'S YOUR STORY? THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT IN TOWN? WELL, YOU'RE A PRETTY SMOOTH TALKER, CLIVE I'M PRETTY SMOOTH ALL OVER

OH SIR, THERE'S NO SMOKING IN HERE OH, THAT'S FINE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A SMOK– YOU'RE QUITE THE BOY SCOUT, CLIVE TELL ME, WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN EARNING A MERIT BADGE TONIGHT? DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TYING KNOTS? I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU

[ INHALES SHARPLY ] I'M A MARRIED MAN AH WELL, I JUST SO HAPPEN TO LIKE MARRIED MEN TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WIFE WELL, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, OF COURSE

REALLY? WELL, IF SHE'S SO VERY BEAUTIFUL, WHY ARE YOU HERE WITH ME? BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS SO TIRED, AND SHE'S ALWAYS MAKING LISTS OF THINGS FOR ME TO DO MAYBE IF YOU DID THEM, SHE WOULDN'T BE SO TIRED OH, NO, SHE CAN MAKE LISTS FOR DAYS BUT BACK TO YOUR MOUTH AND HOW SEXY IT IS UNH-UNH

I WANT TO GO BACK TO THESE ALLEGED LISTS AND YOUR NAGGING WIFE I-I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU [ SIGHS ] I DIDN'T MEAN THAT CAN WE TRY THIS AGAIN? YEAH SO, IF YOUR WIFE IS SO BEAUTIFUL, WHY ARE YOU HERE WITH ME? BECAUSE

I RESPECT HER TOO MUCH TO DO TO HER WHAT I'M GOING TO DO TO YOU? OH, JACKPOT [ INHALES SHARPLY ] I'LL BE RIGHT BACK, CLIVE [ EXHALES SHAKILY ] DO YOU HAVE EYES ON HER? IS SHE HERE? 2:00 — THE BLONDE AT THE BACK TABLE YEP HAVE A VISUAL

Mitchell: LET'S NOT TALK LIKE THAT ANYMORE OVER OKAY, THIS IS IT I'M OFF TO WIN THE HEART OF MY BELOVED [ SIGHS ] WELL, THIS IS NICE

I MEAN, IF WE CAN'T HAVE OUR OWN VALENTINE'S DAY, IT'S NICE THAT WE CAN GIVE SOMEBODY ELSE ONE ALL RIGHT, CAM I'M SORRY

I'M SO– I'M SORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN ATTENTIVE I'VE BEEN SPENDING THE LAST FIVE MONTHS POURING MY CORE BELIEFS INTO THE GREATEST SPEECH THAT I WILL EVER WRITE, AND THEN THAT MOMENT GETS TAKEN AWAY HEY, BUDDY, HOW'D IT GO? I CAN'T DO IT NOT WHILE DURKAS IS THERE HE HAS THE NATURAL CONFIDENCE

I ADMIRE IT AND FEAR IT WE WILL DEAL WITH HIM DIRECTLY WE NEED A PLAN COULD YOU BE MORE DRAMATIC? [ Theatrical voice ] WE NEED A PLAN! [ LAUGHTER ] IN OREGON, THE STATE LEGISLATURE RATIFIED A BILL THAT FROM NOW ON IT IS A CRIME TO HAVE SEX IN OREGON WITH A FARM ANIMAL [ LAUGHS ] HOW UGLY ARE THE WOMEN IN OREGON? [ LAUGHTER ] HE'S FUNNY, JAY

[ Chuckling ] I KNOW SEE? I CAN TELL — YOU'RE NOT — YOU'RE NOT FROM OREGON NO, NO YOU — YOU ARE GORGEOUS THANK YOU

THANK YOU FOR BRINGING YOUR FATHER TO THE SHOW [ Chuckling ] I'M — I'M HER HUSBAND, DAVE NO KIDDING? YEAH WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO WAS THERE WHEN THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN? [ LAUGHTER ] WHAT WAS IT CALLED THEN, JUST "THE TESTAMENT"? [ CHUCKLES ] [ LAUGHS ] THAT'S — THAT'S GOOD STUFF [ CHUCKLES ] OH, NOW HE'S TRYING TO TURN OUT THE LIGHT

[ LAUGHTER ] HELLO? [ Southern accent ] UH, YES, HELLO MR DURKAS? YEAH? UH, YEAH, THIS IS DON JOLLY WITH THE GREAT SHAKES CORPORATE OFFICE, AND I HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED TO TAKE PART IN A RANDOM SURVEY THAT YOU COULD WIN CASH AND PRIZES DOES THAT SOUND LIKE SOMETHING YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN? Yeah

Sure OKAY, JUST A FEW SIMPLE QUESTIONS FOR YOU WOULD YOU PLEASE RANK YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAMS AT GREAT SHAKES FROM LEAST FAVORITE TO FAVORITE? I don't know them by heart THERE SHOULD BE A MENU RIGHT THERE TO YOUR RIGHT TO YOUR RIGHT

MM-HMM THERE YOU GO OH HI, MANNY HI, FIONA

CAN I JOIN YOU? I GUESS SO [ LAUGHTER ] AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HIM CHEATING — THAT'S FOR SURE — BECAUSE IF HE DOES, YOU'LL CATCH HIM WHEN HE COMES HOME WITH TWO SETS OF TEETH IN HIS MOUTH YEAH SO, TELL ME, ON THE WEDDING NIGHT, WHAT DID HE DO? DID HE SAY HE WANTED TO CHANGE INTO SOMETHING COMFORTABLE AND GO INTO A COMA? AH, AH [ LAUGHS ] LISTEN, I GOT TO USE THE MEN'S ROOM NO I GOT TO USE — I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU GOING? WAIT A MINUTE

I'M ONLY JOKING THAT'S WHAT I DO YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WAY YOUNGER THAN I AM YOU JUST DON'T LOOK IT [ LAUGHTER ] CLIVE

I HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU WHAT IS IT? [ INHALES SHARPLY ] MY DRESS OH MY BRA OH, MY G– MY UNDERWEAR My God Yeah WHAT DO YOU SAY WE TAKE THIS UPSTAIRS? THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN CHEESY GARLIC BREAD

MMM DURKAS: Chocolate UH-HUH GO ON Vanilla

I'M TAKING COPIOUS NOTES KEEP GOING, MR DURKAS SO, WHY WOULD TED SAY HE WROTE THE POEM IF HE DIDN'T? MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE CUTEST GIRL IN SCHOOL AND YOU HAVE A LAUGH THAT MAKES SCIENCE LAB SEEM LIKE RECESS WOULD YOU BE MORE OR LESS INCLINED TO VISIT A GREAT SHAKES ESTABLISHMENT IF YOU KNEW YOUR SATISFACTION WAS GUARANTEED? That's a dumb question

EXCUSE ME, IT IS NOT A DUMB QUESTION, MISTER — [ CLICK ] TARNATION HE HUNG UP THEN YOU CAN DROP THE ACCENT DELGADO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? DISCUSSING POETRY

MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE TO RECITE SOME OF YOURS? I'M NOT GONNA RECITE ANYTHING JUST ADMIT — YOU DIDN'T WRITE THE POEM I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU GET YOUR BUTT KICKED I'M GOING OVER THERE

NO, I GOT THIS [ EXHALES SHARPLY ] WHOA! WHOA! SIR SIR? TURN AROUND SIR YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF ANOTHER PERSON'S WORK WHO ARE YOU? I'M A LAWYER YOU HAVE A LAWYER? IT IS ONE THING TO LIE, BUT THEN TO BULLY THIS YOUNG MAN — IT'S UNFORGIVABLE AND THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE WORLD TODAY

THE BIG GUY THINKS THAT HE CAN ROLL RIGHT OVER THE LITTLE GUY UNTIL THE LITTLE GUY SAYS "ENOUGH" AND THAT WHAT THIS LITTLE GUY'S DOING, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW

Could we stop calling me "little guy"? I'm in the 40th percentile Shh, I got this Okay, thank you TED DURKAS CLEARLY DID NOT WRITE THAT POEM I KNOW IT HE KNOWS IT DEEP DOWN IN YOUR HEART, FIONA

[ CHUCKLES ] YOU KNOW IT, TOO SHAME! FINE! WHATEVER I STOLE THE STUPID POEM! Fiona: YOU DID? I TOLD YOU THERE YOU GO I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE

I HAD THE FEELINGS I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SHOW THEM Fiona: REALLY? THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME LET'S GET OUT OF HERE THIS CHICK'S CRAZY SERIOUSLY I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU LIKE THAT

You have no idea how good that felt WELL, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, COUNSELOR THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST, JULIANA I KNOW AND I HAVE TO BE HOME TO MY HUSBAND BY MIDNIGHT

OOH, A TWIST [ CHUCKLES ] [ RIP ] PHIL! PHIL? MY COAT IS STUCK! WHO'S PHIL? NO, NOT NOW SERIOUSLY, MY COAT IS STUCK! OH, HONEY, TAKE OFF YOUR COAT! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! PULL IT OH, MY GOODNESS PULL IT

[ GRUNTS ] NOT GOOD NOT GOOD NOT GOOD! NOT — [ BUZZER, MACHINERY STOPS ] [ GASPS ] OKAY OKAY OKAY

COME ON UP TREAT 'EM LIKE THEY'RE REGULAR STAIRS IT'S OKAY COME ON THROUGH HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

YOU LOOK LOVELY SO DO YOU NOT IN A WEIRD WAY HOW ARE YOU? HI HI

[ MUTTERING ] LET MET JUST GET IN HERE LET ME GET IN HERE Okay PHIL? HEY, TOM! HI HOW ARE YOU? HONEY, CLAIRE, YOU REMEMBER TOM MICKELSON FROM THE OFFICE, AND HIS WIFE, SUSAN

HI I DO HEY IS YOUR COAT STUCK? IT IS IT REALLY IS

YEAH IT'S IN THERE PRETTY DARN GOOD [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ] WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT OFF? UMI'M FREEZING COLD WELL, AT LEAST LET ME GIVE IT A SHOT, OKAY? OH, I DON'T THINK — NO, NO, NO, NO, I GOT IT I MR AND MRS DUNPHY? HEY! PRINCIPAL BALABAN! HEY HOW ARE YOU? HI WHO'S, UH, CLIVE BIXBY? OH

UH HE MAKES SPEAKERS HE'S ACTUALLY IN TOWN FOR A TRADE SHOW

PHIL OHMY

ARE YOU STUCK? YEAH, I AM ALITTLE BIT

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF THAT COAT? UM, I'M CHILLY IT'S REALLY JAMMED IN HERE LET ME — OH, NO, I THINK WE'RE OKAY MRS DUNPHY! Claire: OH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! HI! LUKE'S MATH TEACHER, MISS PASSWATER! [ Chuckling ] "PASSWATER

" OH, JAY, PAPI DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE'S SAYING HE'S JUST BEING FUNNY BECAUSE HE POINTS OUT THE TRUTH THOSE PEOPLE WERE LAUGHING BECAUSE THEY SAW IT, TOO

WHAT DO YOU CARE WHAT THEY THINK? I DON'T I CARE WHAT YOU THINK I LOVE YOU YOU'RE MY VALENTINE YEAH, FOR NOW

BUT WHAT ABOUT WHEN I'M 80 AND I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR, ON OXYGEN? YOU STILL GONNA WANT ME? DO YOU THINK I'M SO SHALLOW THAT I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU WHEN YOU'RE OLD? WHAT IF I GAIN 100 POUNDS? YOU GONNA LEAVE ME THEN? NO! WHAT'S WITH THE PAUSE?! WELL, IT'S NOT EXACTLY FAIR I MEAN, I HAVE TO GET OLD YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET FAT IF I WANT TO GET FAT, I GET FAT OKAY, FINE

AND IF YOU DO, I'LL BE THERE YOU'LL SEE OH, YEAH, WATCH ME WATCH ME HOW I GET FAT! I CAN GET FAT AND I'LL BE THERE

MM [ CHUCKLES ] GOOD YOU WANT TO GO BACK IN? NO I GOT A BETTER IDEA LET'S GO SALSA DANCING

THIS GUY'S NOT THAT FUNNY [ GASPS ] PERFECT [ CHUCKLES ] WE'RE GOOD! WE'RE GOOD! I TALKED TO MAINTENANCE THEY'RE — THEY'RE COMING, SO GO ON AHEAD OH

[ SIGHS ] Phil: SEE YOU GUYS SEE YOU LATER SEE YOU AT SCHOOL? GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS MAINTENANCE IS GONNA TAKE CARE OF IT SO WE'RE FINE

OKAY OKAY, HOW LONG TILL THEY GET HERE? I was faking it No one's coming for us WELL, THEN, GO AND GET THEM! HURRY! THAT WAS THE MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT OF MY LIFE! CLAIRE! PHIL! STAND BY Phil: HEY

WHAT, DID YOU GET YOUR BELT STUCK? I DID YEAH YEAH WELL, TAKE YOUR COAT OFF HERE, LET ME HELP YOU

NO, NO, DAD, DAD COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU, NAKED UNDER THERE? OH, GEEZ IT'S OKAY

I GOT THIS OKAY

CLAIRE, FOLLOW MY LEAD, OKAY? Claire: OKAY OKAY Claire: WOW OKAY THANK YOU

IT HAS HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE [ CHUCKLES ] THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH, "CLIVE" YOU OKAY? Claire: YEAH, I'M GOOD ALL RIGHT

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Claire: HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY SEE YA BYE GOOD NIGHT

OH [ GLORIA CHUCKLES ] SORRY SEE YOU GUYS [ BEEP ] Claire: HI, HONEY PHIL: Hey

I just wanted to tell you how great you were last night UH, PHIL Sorry I got the, um, the oil everywhere, but, hey

SWEETIE — They're not our sheets, right? [ BOTH LAUGH ] HONEY, HONEY, REMEMBER WHEN THE SALESMAN TOLD US THAT THE SIENNA WAS BUILT WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY IN MIND? Yeah WELL, THE WHOLE FAMILY JUST HEARD THAT Uh, well, I guess

I guess the Bluetooth works MM WHY DID YOU HAVE OIL? Because, Buddy, we were making French fries! IN YOUR ROOM? WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST POP IN A DVD?

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