Being in a relationship for three years you learn something There are certain rules
Especially if you are dating an Indian girl Indian girls have a lot of restrictions Unfortunately! It’s like a I feel every Indian girl has to lie to her parents to date a guy Like in a covert Russian spy mission She is always on the lookout Is that my mom? Is that my dad? No Is that my uncle? Shit! My uncle
Fuck! Moustache So, what I learnt from this is when her mom calls you never disturb that call Do not disturb 'the girl and her mother' call There are certain signs to know her mom is calling If her phone’s ringing and she is like
That’s not her mom If her phone’s ringing like One second And they go into this protective environment Which has an invisible force field And like an idiot I asked her, ‘Who are you talking to? Your mom?’ And she said, ‘No! Go away’ You fool! You have any idea what would happen if she knew? Yeah, mommy, I am praying
We’re chilling Actually, we are studying Yeah, mom Yeah Never mess with her
I have seen girlfriends turn into hulks They've punched me in the face It’s very scary
Second rule: Never This is such a stupid thing, guys Never try to make your girlfriend jealous
Just look at the scenario Just look at the scenario in this club right now Single guys Single girls Few! A single girl in India with a population of a billion… 99% are single guys
Do you know the amount of attention she is getting? It is a privilege that she is For a few months, I will give you my full attention And you think, ‘Oh! This one girl hit on me
Let me show off Come on’ It is the most dumbest thing you can ever do Also, we guys are very simple We get happy with simple shit
One girl flirts with me and I’m like ‘Fuck, can’t wait to tell my girlfriend’ She is going to value me more now Hey, guess what happened today? What? A girl was flirting with me You jealous? How cute She gave you attention? Let me tell you about the guys who hit on me while I went to the bus-stop five minutes back
Page one Don’t try to make her jealous Just, don’t Rule #3 This is a very weird thing but it shows character
You have to drop your girlfriend to the auto rickshaw Make sense post when it gets dark Makes sense But, if it is before 5 pm it doesn’t make sense to me Because guys are horrible at catching auto rickshaws
Women are awesome because guys believe in physics Women don’t They don’t I have seen auto rickshaws hit motorbikes and hit guys crossing the road My girlfriend stops an auto
Auto! Just stops here Just stops The problem with guys is that we have this problem – we also use logic When we try and stop an auto, we say no, that is going in the opposite direction We can’t stop that auto
Mad or what? He looks tired No need And the worst part about catching autos is that I hate doing this because you have to judge the auto If it’s dark, 7 pm, 8 pm, 9pm and you have to drop your girlfriend You have to judge the auto driver
The first auto driver He looks like a murderer He looks like a rapist No need Bye bye
He looks very weak Malnutritioned Come here, sir Come here He won’t do anything! It’s sad
You have to do that And the most amazing thing guys think they do… Hey baby, once you reach home, send me a text What good that does, I have no idea Because in case your auto explodes, I will get a sms It makes no sense
So much no, you have to send it otherwise Also, one thing, guys don’t know how to say sorry They don’t Who’s in a relationship? Give me How would you say sorry to your girlfriend? Sorry Yes, exactly! That’s what I say See, that’s the problem You don’t just say, I’m sorry
Have you noticed, guys have this ego and they don’t apologise a lot But women apologise a lot Have you noticed? I don’t know if that is a good or a bad thing But it’s very clever What they do, they have bank where they collect a lot of sorrys
But, they say sorry for stupid shit that doesn’t matter Oh my God, I know you asked for apple but there’s a banana Is that okay? I’m so sorry And you are like, that’s fine I’m just slightly hungry
Okay Ting Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m five minutes late Is that okay? Yes That’s fine
You don’t have to apologise Okay Ting And then you screw up Baby
Wow! So many casualties I went through this She had this big jar
Wow! I never got such a big applause for that Peace off, guys Don’t worry It’s going to get better And then, we say, ‘I’m sorry’
And she's like Just like that Sorry
No What you have to do is make it dramatic You have to say sorry but just like being like Channing Tatum types Just like Bad acting but You screw up You go up to her and be like Just talk about normal stuff
This morning I took the bus It was pretty crowded The weather’s been kind of yeah, it’s been kind of cold By the way what happened yesterday, I just want to say that I’ll never talk to you that way again And stop mid sentence And walk away And then, stop Hopefully, if it’s raining, it will be great I just want to say, ‘I’m sorry
’ And get your small cute cousin Just pay Rs150/- and make the cousin come up to your girlfriend and say ‘Who was he?’ He was my love
That’s the way That’s the way we say sorry A lot of effort, I know But it works
